. . . . . and, we're back!

Scarf 61: Another Adventure in Ruffling

Well, that didn't take long, did it? I suppose once I say I'm going to do something, it's easier to get around to doing it. Having a beautiful sunny day to take photographs didn't hurt either.

So now, at long last, I'd like to introduce you to Scarf 61. Do you remember when I mentioned buying a little bit of red yarn at Dallas' White Rock Weaving Center back in January? Well, here it is, all woven in! It was specially picked from among the hundreds of yarns by the friend who commissioned this scarf. The red yarn is a shiny cotton; the black is a soft and strong wool/alpaca/nylon blend , which was used in Scarf 59 and Scarf 23. Together they make a lightweight scarf with a subtle ruffle.

Scarf 61 is a custom order, so it's on reserve in my Etsy shop.

Checking In

Hello, my friends. February went by fast, didn't it? I didn't stop by here to post a single word in all of February, and here we are in March already. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. After years of hoping & waiting, I was finally pregnant. It wasn't until March 10th that I found out the pregnancy wasn't going to last, so March 4th was a day of happiness, relief, and excitement. The anniversary of that day seems like as good a time as any to check in with you and let you know what's been keeping me away.

I've been taking a little break from weaving since Christmas, focusing instead on miscarriage-prevention. I've done acupuncture and Mayan abdominal massage. I've given up wheat and cold food and raw food. I've taken my temperature every day. I've taken supplements and tinctures and herbal teas every day. I've read books about fertility and hormones and miscarriage. I've read books about Victorian and Regency-period British detectives. I've peed in cups and taken tests and charted symptoms. I've joined fertility support groups. I've joined miscarriage support groups. I've done lots of yoga.

Yes, that's right. Lighthearted historical British mysteries are critical to a well-designed fertility regimen, in my experience. Doubly effective are series based on favorite characters of classic literature, such as the Mr. & Mrs. Darcy mysteries or the Mary Russell & Sherlock Holmes mysteries. (There's no research on this; you'll just have to trust me.)

I've also been working a lot of extra hours to pay for all these extra treatments and supplements and classes and gluten-free brownies (yeah, you'll have to trust me on their necessity as well). And all of these activities, to a certain extent, explain my lack of time at the loom and on the blog. But I've also been kept away by the fear that my emotional state might bleed into my writing a little more than I'd like.

Paul Simon sings, "losing love is like a window in your heart / everybody sees you're blown apart / everybody feels the wind blow," and I wonder if it's true for the black hole in my heart, if you can read between the lines to discover the heavy darkness that sits in my chest, even when I'm happy. And I have been happy at times. I've stayed true to my intention to make 2012 the year of being happy with what I have. But you can't want something with all your heart that you have no means of bringing into your experience - even with the best of intentions to stay happy - without a little taste of darkness.

One of the most dangerous and delicate and destructive aspects of the experience of infertility is hope. Hope is the opposite of being happy with what you have. The challenge, then, is to steadfastly pursue your goal without hope of achieving it. What?! I know, I know. It's insane. How can you stay motivated? Good question. I don't know. What's worked for me at times is to focus only on my present task, without letting my mind race to the next step or the implications of success. I break it down into manageable pieces.

Can I give up gluten? Yes. Can I do it with joy? Hmmmm . . . oh, gluten-free brownies! . . . Yes. Can I remember to take my supplements on time? Yes. Can I stop thinking about how much I'd rather be holding a baby and do my work with integrity? Yes. At least most of the time.

By focusing on the sunlight on the tree outside my window, the beloved cat snoozing on my desk, the comfort of a warm cup of tea - in other words, by staying present and acknowledging the goodness that surrounds me - I am able to stay away from the what-ifs and if-onlys. That's not to say that they never come calling. It's impossible to work so hard to achieve something that will turn your life upside down without wondering if your efforts will pay off. But it helps.

So, if you were wondering, that's what I'm doing. I'm crying the tears and acknowledging the feelings and doing the work of staying present. I'm examining my underlying assumptions. I'm letting myself learn the lessons that I never wanted to learn.

Little by little, I will get back to the loom. The picture above is of Scarf 61, the only scarf I've made since Christmas. I hope to have it finished and photographed to share with you soon.

In the meantime, I hope that March treats you well. I hope that if you are facing challenges you never asked for that the tree, the cat, and the cup of tea are there for you as well.

January Treasuries

And, lest we think Scarf 39 had stolen the spotlight, here are three more January Etsy Treasuries featuring my scarves. It's always interesting to see who chooses them, what they're paired with, and what they look like in a grouping. Treasuries are like window shopping in an eclectic neighborhood of personal boutiques - they're always a treat to explore. Thanks, Treasury-Makers!

I kinda like you by Jon Turner

January 2nd Collection in Black and Shocking Pink by Nancy LaBerge Muren

Wintry by lynchgirl

The Sudden Popularity of Scarf 39

Scarf 39 has been gaining a following lately. Many thanks to the awesome Etsians who found it and selected it for these treasuries!

French Violet Honey by Janet

one-two-twelve by Leah

Turquoise Heaven by Dawanna Young

Find Beauty Everywhere... by Debbie

Isn't it interesting that it often shows up in the same spot?

Scarf 39 was purchased on Etsy and is on its way to its new owner in New Jersey. Have a happy life, Scarf 39!

Dallas, Part 3: White Rock Weaving Center

On Sunday I popped over to White Rock Weaving Center with a friend who had commissioned a black and red ruffle scarf. She wanted to find just the perfect shade of red, so we thought we'd check out their yarn stash and learn more about the looms and everything else they offer. If you're in Dallas and you're interested in weaving, it's definitely worth stopping by. They offer lots of classes in weaving, spinning, and basket weaving, and have looms of all shapes and sizes for sale.

One thing they do that I think is so cool is let you keep your loom there after you buy it. All the looms are on wheels and they fold up so you can move it around wherever you need to when you're taking a class, then park it in the loom garage when you're done. Seriously - the loom garage. How awesome is that? Here's a snap of the loom garage, about half full since there were so many people taking classes when we were there.

And of course they had tons and tons of yarn too. We did manage to find just the perfect shade of red in just the perfect thickness and feel, which they kindly measured and wound up for us. They took so much time with us, calculating and measuring the yarn, and in the end it only cost two dollars.

Here's just a tiny sampling of their yarn (and of course some more parked looms).

I got to chat with a very nice lady working on a blanket while the yarn was being calculated, and I learned a few neat little tips and tricks from her. With the exception of the very first beginner class that I took to learn how to weave on a small loom, I haven't been around weavers or weaving very much. I bought a little book with handy weaving tips which I'm looking forward to incorporating. I also got a new book for Christmas with all kinds of new patterns and processes, so it may be time for me to stretch my wings a little and try some more experimentation. Hooray for weaving!

Dallas, Part 2: Jean Paul Gaultier

I have a confession to make: I'm not that into fashion. In fact, "not that into" might be an overstatement. I really could not care less. I realize this is a strange admission from someone making and selling fashion accessories, but it's the truth. Part of the appeal of scarves is that they can pull together or spice up an otherwise boring outfit. Since I teach yoga almost every day and am consequently almost always wearing black pants and a black t-shirt, scarves save the day.

So when I saw that the Dallas Museum of Art had an exhibit on Jean Paul Gaultier, I didn't care. "Not my thing," I thought. Fortunately, some friends took me in hand and told me in no uncertain terms that I had to see it, and I'm glad they did!

Of course I couldn't take photos from inside the exhibit, so this is just the entrance. It doesn't begin to show off the extravagant details inside. They really went all out, designing the space and using technology for high impact. As you enter the exhibit, there's an array of mannequins with films of people's faces projected onto the mannequins' faces. It's eerily realistic - it looks like a bunch of very white people standing around very still. Some of the mannequins talk and sing and some of them just occasionally blink or yawn.

In case you're wondering, there wasn't a single scarf in the whole exhibit. Gaultier takes the opposite of the scarves-let-you-get-away-with-boring-clothes approach. Every element of his costumes and outfits are carefully considered and decorated to the max. Not only do you not need a scarf to spice things up, you couldn't possibly add anything to the mix. And, while that's not my thing, it was wonderful to see in a museum exhibit.

As an artist, it's always inspiring to see someone exploring their vision with a limited set of materials in a limited context. Though, of course, Gaultier's materials may be less limited than most fashion designers - there was one dress made of film strips! Still, how cool is that? If film strips were soft, I'd love to make scarves out of them.

The Fashion World of Jean Paul Gaultier: From the Sidewalk to the Catwalk will be in Dallas through Feburary 12th, when it will move on to its second and last American showing at the de Young in San Francisco. If you get the chance, I highly recommend seeing it!

Dallas, Part 1: Thanks-Giving Square

I'm up in Dallas for a few days, joining Henry on a business trip and taking time to visit family and friends. In spite of my three-week absence from this blog, I'm always thinking about it, and I remembered to bring along my camera so I could share my relevant adventures.

After dropping Henry and the car off at the convention center in downtown Dallas, I took a chilly stroll over to Thanksgiving Square, the "Center of American and World Thanksgiving." Since this is my year of being happy with what I have, giving thanks is a daily practice (though shouldn't it always be?). Thanksgiving Square has a museum, chapel, outside fountains, and lots to explore, but I was limited in my time and mostly hung around with the pigeons around the Ring of Thanks. There are a series of prompts leading up to the Ring of Thanks and then you step through it at the end, being conscious of your blessings. Pretty cool and powerful stuff for a public park.

I think every time we take time to be consciously grateful, we step through a ring of thanks to a brighter and calmer experience on the other side.

New Year's Wishes

I've been taking a break from weaving and scarf dreaming to spend time with family, catch a few movies, eat a few too many tortilla chips, and dread the passage of time.

Yes, I admit it - I've been dreading the obligatory looking back/looking forward of New Year's like a trip to the dentist. Sixty scarves aside, this has been a year of loss, and looking forward I have to accept that 2012 comes with no guarantees. You just can't put "become a mom" on your New Year's Resolutions list. Hence, the dread. I usually relish list making and planning and dreaming, but who wants to think about resolutions when there's nothing you can do to get what you really want?

Or so I thought. I was in full-on avoid-all-New-Year's-worksheets mode until Sara at Feeding the Soil posted this one, from Superhero Journal. Just the first few questions made me want to weep and run to get a pencil to fill it out. Behold:

What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2011?

What challenges did you face with courage and strength?

What are you proud of?

Yes, yes, yes! These are my kind of questions! Life is messy, so why should a reflection worksheet or a resolutions list be neat and tidy and tear-free? And even though this worksheet had me at hello, it sealed the deal with Question 2:

What is there to grieve about 2011?

Just seeing those words, being given permission not to celebrate, is so powerful. But the most important part of all is about moving forward:

The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to

come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2012?

Is it the year of joy?

The year of self-care? The year of kicking ass?

The year of ease?

Stand up and say it proud, “2012 is my year of ________”

So, here it is. I am saying it to you.

2012 is my year of being happy with what I have.

Isn't that better than resolving to eat better or walk more or make time for yoga? Of course I'm putting those on my list too, but whether I stick to them or not I'll be happy because 2012 is my year of being happy with what I have. Yes.

I'm wishing all of you more happiness in 2012. Whatever year it is for you, may it be a great one.

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am." Thomas Merton

(This project - this audacious determination to make 100 scarves - is a big dream, so I was pleased to see that the authors of my new favorite reflection worksheet are offering an online course in dreaming big. )

Holiday Wishes

This time of year - whether we celebrate the holidays or not - can bring a wide variety of experiences and emotions. If you are with loved ones, I hope you are hugging them close. If you are missing loved ones, I hope you are hugging yourself. If you are happy, I wish you moments of joyful awareness of your blessings. If you are hurting, I wish you moments of peace, remembering that the pain won't last forever.

Wishing all of you warmth, unburdened hearts, and stress-free travel!

Happy 24 - oops, 28 - Day!

Well, this is a little embarrassing. See, I'd written a nice post celebrating the 24 scarves that I've sold, planning to share it with you today - the 24th of December. The only problem is that when I began compiling photos, they didn't add up. I had 28 sold scarves staring at me, not 24. A little investigating and cross checking revealed that I'd accidentally left four sold orders off of my spreadsheet (good thing I figured this out before tax time!).

Any way you add them up, these scarves are a happy reminder of all the threads twisted and smoothed, all the combinations of colors and textures, all the connections and conversations with friends, family, and far-off customers. Thank you, dear customers, for buying my scarves. I hope they are warming you or someone you love.

What Shall We Do with the Drunken Yarnball?

No, this is not a commentary on the ever-increasing constraints imposed on American childhood. It's just what happens when you have a ball of wet yarn and an extra highchair lying around.

Remember when I told you how I threw a few balls of yarn into the dyebath with Scarf 56? Well, here's the moral of that story: tightly wound balls of yarn do not dry out. I knew this, of course, but conveniently forgot it as I tossed the ball of pink yarn into the pot.

A day later I realized I was going to have to do something about this soggy-on-the-inside ball of yarn, and just as I was thinking about it my eye conveniently roamed over the highchair. It made the perfect frame to loosely hang the yarn around, giving it space to dry. It looked so cool, I had to share.

And just so you know the challenges I face trying to photograph anything in this house: